When parents separate or divorce, children may sometimes resist or refuse contact with one of their parents. This can be an upsetting and confusing experience for both the child and the parent concerned.
It is tempting to assume that the other parent is deliberately influencing the child’s behaviour. However, a child’s refusal to have contact can arise for many different reasons, and it is important to understand what is happening before drawing conclusions.
Parental alienation should not be assumed simply because a child refuses contact with a parent. The child’s experiences, relationships, emotional wellbeing and any legitimate concerns about safety must be carefully considered.
In South Africa, decisions about children must be guided by their best interests, as required by section 28(2) of the Constitution and the Children’s Act 38 of 2005.
What Is Parental Alienation?
The term parental alienation is commonly used to describe situations in which a child’s relationship with a parent is undermined by the conduct or influence of another person, often the other parent.
Alleged alienating behaviours may include repeatedly making negative comments about the other parent, obstructing appropriate contact, pressuring a child to take sides or making the child feel guilty for wanting a relationship with the other parent.
However, the term should be used carefully. A child’s reluctance to see a parent does not, by itself, prove that alienation has occurred. The reasons for the child’s behaviour need to be investigated in the context of the family’s circumstances.
A child may resist contact because of anxiety, loyalty conflicts, previous experiences, exposure to parental conflict or genuine concerns about a parent’s behaviour. More than one factor may be involved.
The priority should be to understand the child’s experience and determine what arrangements will best protect the child’s wellbeing.
Common Reasons Why a Child May Refuse Contact
Before concluding that parental alienation is taking place, it is important to consider other possible explanations for a child’s reluctance to spend time with a parent.
1. Separation Anxiety
Younger children may experience separation anxiety when leaving a familiar caregiver or moving between households. This does not necessarily mean that the child has a problem with the parent they are leaving.
A predictable routine, reassurance and sensitive transitions may help the child adjust.
2. Feeling Responsible for a Parent
A child may worry about leaving a parent alone, particularly if that parent appears distressed or relies heavily on the child for emotional support.
Children should be reassured that they are not responsible for managing their parents’ feelings and that it is acceptable to enjoy time with both parents where it is safe to do so.
3. Developmental and Social Needs
Older children and teenagers may prefer spending time with friends, participating in activities or maintaining established social routines.
Their developmental needs and views should be considered when planning contact arrangements, without automatically assuming that their preferences are the result of manipulation.
4. An Existing Difficult Parent-Child Relationship
The relationship between a parent and child may have been strained before the separation.
A child may be reacting to unresolved difficulties, communication problems or previous experiences within that relationship. These concerns should be explored rather than automatically attributed to the other parent.
5. Conflict During Handovers
Children may become anxious about moving between households if handovers involve arguments, hostility or uncomfortable confrontations.
Reducing conflict during transitions, using clear arrangements and keeping adult disagreements away from children can help make contact less stressful.
6. Parental Estrangement
Parental estrangement describes a situation in which a child distances themselves from a parent because of difficulties arising from the child’s own experiences of that relationship.
This may involve the parent’s conduct, the child’s perception of previous events or a breakdown in trust. The circumstances must be examined carefully rather than assuming that one parent has caused the problem.
7. Possible Parental Alienation
In some circumstances, a parent’s conduct may undermine the child’s relationship with the other parent. This possibility should be considered where there is evidence of persistent interference with appropriate contact, pressure on the child to reject the other parent or other behaviour that damages the relationship.
However, allegations of parental alienation should be evaluated alongside any allegations of abuse, neglect, intimidation or other legitimate reasons for a child’s reluctance to have contact.
The objective is to identify the cause of the difficulty and determine what is in the child’s best interests.
Examples of Behaviour That May Undermine a Child’s Relationship With a Parent
Where there is evidence of a pattern of behaviour intended to damage the child’s relationship with the other parent, possible examples may include:
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Repeatedly speaking negatively about the other parent in front of the child.
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Making the child feel guilty for enjoying time with the other parent.
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Involving the child in adult disputes or asking the child to take sides.
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Unreasonably obstructing contact without addressing the underlying issues through appropriate channels.
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Using the child to deliver hostile messages or obtain information about the other parent.
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Interfering with reasonable communication between the child and the other parent.
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Making the child feel that showing affection towards the other parent is a betrayal.
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Involving the child in allegations and disputes that should be dealt with by adults.
The existence of one of these behaviours does not automatically establish parental alienation. Context, frequency, evidence and the impact on the child all matter.
Parents should also distinguish between unreasonable interference with contact and appropriate protective action where a genuine safety concern exists.
Parental Alienation and Parental Estrangement: What Is the Difference?
The terms parental alienation and parental estrangement are sometimes used interchangeably, but they describe different possible explanations for a damaged parent-child relationship.
Parental alienation generally refers to a situation in which a child’s relationship with a parent is undermined by the influence or conduct of another person.
Parental estrangement generally refers to a child’s distancing from a parent because of difficulties within the relationship itself, potentially including the parent’s behaviour or the child’s experiences.
In practice, family situations can be complex. A child may have legitimate grievances while also being exposed to pressure or conflict from another parent. There may also be several contributing factors.
For this reason, an allegation of parental alienation should not be accepted or rejected without examining the available evidence and the child’s circumstances.
A child’s refusal of contact is a reason to investigate what is happening, not proof of who is responsible.
The Impact of Parental Conflict on Children
Children may experience significant emotional strain when their parents remain in conflict after separation or divorce.
Being exposed to repeated arguments, hostility or pressure to choose between parents can leave children feeling anxious, confused or responsible for matters beyond their control.
Children should not be expected to act as messengers, witnesses to adult disputes or emotional support for either parent. They need reassurance that their feelings can be expressed without fear of punishment or rejection.
Parents should also avoid making promises, threats or accusations that place children in the middle of the dispute.
Where a child’s relationship with a parent has deteriorated, the priority should be to understand the reasons for the breakdown and consider appropriate steps to protect the child’s emotional wellbeing.
Parental Alienation and South African Law
South African law requires decisions concerning children to be guided by the child’s best interests. Section 28(2) of the Constitution provides that a child’s best interests are of paramount importance in every matter concerning the child.
The Children’s Act 38 of 2005 also recognises parental responsibilities and rights, including responsibilities and rights relating to care and contact.
In disputes involving a child’s refusal to have contact, the court may need to consider the child’s circumstances, the history of the parent-child relationship, the reasons for the refusal and the likely consequences of different arrangements.
The child’s views are important, but they must be considered in context and in an age- and maturity-appropriate manner.
Recent South African Court Considerations
South African courts have dealt with disputes in which parental alienation has been alleged and contact between a parent and child has broken down.
In W.G.J v B.J [2025] ZAWCHC 593, the Western Cape High Court dealt with an existing court order concerning contact and therapeutic reunification. The court ordered a structured approach to contact while therapeutic intervention continued, emphasising the importance of acting in the child’s best interests rather than allowing a prolonged absence of contact to continue without proper justification.
Read the full judgment on SAFLII.
The case illustrates that contact disputes may require a carefully managed response, which can include therapeutic support and a structured reintroduction of contact where appropriate.
This does not mean that contact should automatically be imposed in every case. Where allegations of abuse, neglect or other safety concerns arise, those concerns must be properly investigated and addressed.
Each case depends on its particular facts, the evidence available and the child’s best interests.
What Can Be Done When a Child Refuses Contact?
When a child refuses to see a parent, the response should focus on understanding the reasons for the refusal and identifying an appropriate way forward.
Depending on the circumstances, possible steps include:
1. Avoid Pressuring the Child
A child should not be threatened, shamed or forced to take responsibility for resolving the dispute between their parents.
Listen to the child’s concerns calmly and take them seriously. Avoid suggesting that the child is disloyal or responsible for a parent’s distress.
2. Keep Adult Conflict Away From the Child
Parents should avoid arguments during handovers, negative comments about each other and discussions of litigation in the child’s presence.
Where direct communication is difficult, agreed written communication or professional assistance may help reduce unnecessary conflict.
3. Seek Appropriate Professional Assistance
A suitably qualified psychologist, social worker or other relevant professional may assist in understanding the child’s reluctance and assessing the family dynamics.
Therapeutic intervention may be helpful where it is appropriate to the child’s circumstances. It should not be used to dismiss legitimate concerns or to predetermine the outcome of a contact dispute.
4. Consider Mediation Where Appropriate
Mediation can help parents discuss contact arrangements, identify practical solutions and develop a plan for reducing conflict.
Mediation is not suitable in every case. Where there is domestic violence, coercive control, serious intimidation or a significant safety risk, the suitability of mediation must be carefully assessed and alternative processes may be necessary.
5. Obtain Legal Advice Where Necessary
If contact arrangements are not being followed, or a child continues to refuse contact despite reasonable efforts to resolve the problem, legal advice may be appropriate.
Where a court order is in place, a parent should not unilaterally disregard or change its terms. If circumstances have changed or there are genuine concerns about the child’s safety, the appropriate legal process should be followed.
The correct response will depend on the existing order or agreement, the evidence and the child’s circumstances.
How a Parenting Plan Can Help
A parenting plan can provide a clear framework for exercising parental responsibilities and rights following separation or divorce.
Section 33 of the Children’s Act 38 of 2005 addresses parenting plans and provides that, where co-holders of parental responsibilities and rights experience difficulties in exercising those responsibilities and rights, they must first seek to agree on a parenting plan before seeking the intervention of a court. The section also provides for assistance from a Family Advocate, social worker or psychologist, or mediation through an appropriate professional.
Section 34 deals with the formalities for parenting plans, including registration with the Family Advocate or making the plan an order of court, subject to the applicable requirements.
A carefully drafted parenting plan can address:
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Where the child will live and the arrangements for care and contact.
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School holidays, birthdays and special occasions.
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How parents will communicate about the child’s needs.
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How handovers will take place.
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How important decisions about education and healthcare will be managed.
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How the parents will deal with disagreements.
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How changes to the arrangements will be considered as the child grows.
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What steps should be taken if difficulties arise with contact.
A parenting plan cannot guarantee that conflict will disappear, but clear arrangements may reduce uncertainty and provide a practical framework for dealing with disagreements.
The plan should be tailored to the particular family rather than relying on a standard arrangement that may not suit the child.
The Benefits of a Parenting Plan
A well-considered parenting plan may help parents and children in several ways.
Reduced Conflict
Clear arrangements can reduce the need for parents to negotiate every practical issue repeatedly.
More Predictable Routines
Children may feel more secure when they know what to expect and when they will spend time with each parent.
Better Communication
An agreed method of communication can help parents exchange important information without involving the child in adult disputes.
Greater Clarity About Contact
A clear schedule can help prevent misunderstandings about handovers, holidays and other arrangements.
A Process for Resolving Disagreements
Parents can agree on appropriate steps for addressing disputes, including mediation where suitable, rather than immediately resorting to litigation.
An Opportunity for the Child to Be Heard
A parenting plan should take account of the child’s needs and, where appropriate, their views. Children should be given an opportunity to express their feelings without being made responsible for deciding the dispute.
What Happens If There Is No Parenting Plan?
Without clear arrangements, disagreements about contact and care can become more frequent and difficult to resolve.
Possible consequences include:
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Repeated conflict between parents.
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Uncertainty about contact and handovers.
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Children being exposed to adult disputes.
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Deterioration in the relationship between a parent and child.
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Applications to court to resolve disputes or enforce existing orders.
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Increased emotional stress for the family.
A parenting plan is not the only way to resolve every parenting dispute, and not every disagreement requires court proceedings. However, where parents are struggling to exercise their parental responsibilities and rights, obtaining appropriate advice and assistance may help prevent further conflict.
Conclusion: Put the Child’s Best Interests First
When a child refuses contact with a parent, it is important to resist the temptation to jump to conclusions.
Parental alienation may be a concern in some cases, but a child’s reluctance to have contact may also reflect anxiety, previous experiences, relationship difficulties, exposure to conflict or genuine safety concerns.
The reasons for the child’s behaviour must be carefully considered before decisions are made about contact or intervention.
Children should not be placed in the middle of their parents’ disputes or made to feel that they must choose between them. Their emotional wellbeing, safety and right to have their views considered should remain central to any proposed solution.
Where parents are struggling to agree on contact arrangements, a parenting plan, appropriate professional assistance or mediation — where suitable — may help them work towards a child-focused outcome.
Need assistance with a parenting plan or a contact dispute?
Van Rooyen Attorneys & Mediators provides family law and mediation services in Randburg and surrounding areas. If you are experiencing difficulties with parenting arrangements following separation or divorce, professional guidance may help you identify the appropriate next steps.
Book a consultation online or visit Divorce Mediation Randburg for more information.
Disclaimer: This article is for general information and educational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Every family situation is different. For guidance about a specific contact dispute or parenting plan, consult a qualified South African family-law practitioner.
